Christmas Secret

     It was 40 years ago tonight, Christmas Eve 1972. I was 17 years old and a few weeks pregnant with Maria. Other than Sydney, a girlfriend from nursing school, no one else knew. I was afraid. Afraid of the pain of  childbirth. At that point in my training I had attended or assisted with about 30 deliveries, and I saw the agony of  laboring mothers. I knew things could go wrong. I had seen newborns with horrific birth defects. I was frightened of what I would have to endure, but never frightened of being a mother. While I was very aware of the responsibility I would have for another person for the first time in my life, I knew I could handle it.
     I was filled with a sense of awe. My tiny body was making a baby. My little 98 pound frame, which would soon be down to a pitiful 89 pounds would be developing, housing and protecting a baby! I already felt minute changes. Although the timing could have been better, I was happy. A month before, I saw a new mom reject her infant. She didn't want to hold or feed him. She asked me to dress him for the trip home from the hospital. She seemed to have no interest in him. I knew later that she was probably suffering a particularly bad postpartum depression, but then I found her cold and hard hearted and impossible to understand. I actually prayed that God would send me my own baby that I would love from the second of conception, and sure enough, He did.
So, that Christmas Eve, I sat on the floor by the Christmas tree. The feast of the seven fishes was about to start in the kitchen. The lights were glowing on the tree in the darkened room, and I was alone. I had a secret, a beautiful secret. Being pretty Catholic back then, I wondered what the Blessed Mother felt like when she was "with child" as they so delicately put it. I wondered if she was scared and happy at the same time, like I was. I wondered if she knew about me, if she would help and protect me. Did she spend hours imagining what her baby would look like, I wondered, or was she too busy living hand to mouth, traveling on a donkey and visiting with angels?
Mary, I whispered in the darkness, please help and guide me. You know my secret, you know what's in my heart. I know I'm only 17, but you were a young girl too. Please protect my baby, my body, my life.